Nicholas Vargo

I’m not sure if this is moving too fast too soon, but I want to write about what is at the forefront of my mind. I was close to writing some silly memoir about my eating habits, and calling it a week, but these same thoughts would still hang down on me unaddressed. I started this blog to be a more active thinker. Thus, I hope you, reader, can find something here. Something that may be different from how I react to writing this, but something none the less.

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Letter to my Dad

I’ve never been particularly close with my Dad, or at least not as close as my other siblings were to him. He and I simply operated in different worlds. But I admired how determined and steadfast he was, even though I could never find the same qualities in myself.  He is one of the hardest workers I know. He’s incredibly smart, practically a genius.  He cares for me and my family deeply and works tirelessly to provide and ensure all of us are taken into consideration.

He was always quick to take me to soccer practice. I think he enjoyed seeing me run free with so much of that energy he had passed on to me. Or maybe he just enjoyed the slushies we got together. We would come home after practice and say our hellos to the rest of our family with red and blue dyed tongues. He would reward me for working hard, trying my best. He’d tempt me to play aggressively during my soccer games and promised if I get a yellow card called on me during the match, we’d pick up something sweet on the way home. I suppose he taught me how to fight in that way.

After I stopped playing soccer, we drifted apart more. I was on my own self-discovery journey, and I started to isolate myself more. I was coming into my own identity, hiding my queerness, and shutting myself off from everyone around me. I could tell my queer identity made him have a lot of questions. He still loved me, but he turned a blind eye to the parts of me he didn’t feel comfortable with yet.

All my life, I thought I was extremely like my mom. I confided in her more in my emotional times, which were frequent as I grew older. But the more I think about it, my Dad and I are two sides of the same coin. My Dad hides it well, but I think he shares the same anxious tendencies as me. We dislike things out of our plans or control. We hide our worries behind feigns of hope. We’re picky eaters. All these traits I shared with him without noticing the overlap. I wish I had come to this realization sooner in my life so he and I could connect on our shared experiences.

When I was withdrawing from being a Physics major in my sophomore year, he was the one always there to support my decision. When I first called him to let him know of my situation to change majors, He took a deep breath and sighed into the phone. I feared I was going to be bombarded with questions told that it was too late. My mind was racing and thinking of the worst. Yet, he only offered me positive support. He reminded me of his passion for what he does, and how he only wants the same for me. In that moment, I felt the most seen by my Dad. I was so terrified I was making the wrong choice, or I would let him down. But, after my call with him, I felt relieved at least that he would always be there for me.

My Dad means so much to me. I believed more than a majority of my identity came from my mom, but truthfully, so much of who I am I can attribute to my Dad. Deep down he knows how much I care about him, but I don’t think that is enough. I want him to see what we all see in him. His generosity. His carefulness. His insight. His stupid laugh. I want him to realize just how much impact and power he has.

I would not be the same person I am today without him. I love you, Dad.

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Here I wanted to share some media I’ve been consuming over the past week. Things like movies, tv, books, games, music etc.

Book: Homesick for Another World by Otessa Moshfegh (almost finished with it)

Music: Mold by Lunar Vacation

TV: The Idol (do not watch this please… just very… very… bad)

Also enjoy this picture of my enchiladas I made for making it through this post 🙂